Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
