i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
