How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
