Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
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What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
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I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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