my phone needs a breathalizer
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize