remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
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stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
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Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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