Fine. I'll sleep in my office
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
