woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
