4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
