i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
