I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize