since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
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So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
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I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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