Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
