Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
