You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
