I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
