Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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