Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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