i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
