I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Jerry, you need to find god
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
