He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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