drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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