he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
