I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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