Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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