That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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