fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
