my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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