I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
