girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
