On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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