I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
