I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
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You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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