I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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