dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
