I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I am midnight drunk by noon
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
