Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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