I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
