I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
