I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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