it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
