Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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