So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize