In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
