life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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