okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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