this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
