i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
