After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
