I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
