y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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