things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
